


Pushing Past

by cadkitten



Category: Dir en grey
Genre: Anal Sex, Angst, BDSM, Bisexual Male Character, Broken marriage, Cheating, Children, Cock & Ball Torture, Desperation, Dom/sub, Fetish, Fluff, Frottage, Light Dom/sub, M/M, Rimming, Rough Sex, Roughness, Shibari, Unresolved Sexual Tension, Urination
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-08-28
Updated: 2015-09-19
Packaged: 2018-04-17 15:10:25
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 17,730
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4671278
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cadkitten/pseuds/cadkitten
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kaoru finds out his wife has been cheating on him for years. More to the point, he finds out that one of his own children is not of his own seed; a child he's been raising for near on five years. But he loves his children and he won't leave them up or give up his rights to. He raised them and they are his own, no matter what. Kaoru won't leave her, but he finds himself utterly unwilling to ever touch her again. As time passes, he finds himself desperate to be with someone who does care about him... someone that can match all of the ugly things that brew inside of him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [SakuraAme](https://archiveofourown.org/users/SakuraAme/gifts).



> However which way you wanna mix it. Dom!Kao/Sub!Kyo. Hardcore. Cutting. Asphixiation. Pissing. Shibari. And whatever else you want. You can take as long as you want. Part it out however you want. 50,000 words... just kidding, 10,000 words!!!!  
> Song[s]: Various by Kiyoharu and Kirito

The morning light filtered in through the window above the kitchen sink, forcing Kaoru to squint against it as he spooned coffee grounds from the container into the paper filter, tucked neatly inside the basket of his coffee maker. One... two... three... four... and a half. He pulled the carafe out from under the spout and filled it halfway, pouring the contents into the back and shutting the lid, pushing the glass back under and flicking the switch. The thing had a timer on it, but something about being half awake and doing it himself was a part of his routine that had him all messed up the few times he'd tried to use the lovely machine Die had bought him in that manner. But, regardless, he never had issues with it spilling grounds into his coffee and it didn't burn the bottom of the pot, so it was wonderful all the same, regardless if he used the finer portions of it or not.

He scrubbed his hand over his face as he leaned over the sink and peered out into the tiny backyard, watching the family dog dart after some little white butterflies. Cabbage butterflies? He thought, perhaps, he'd heard them called that at some point, though he wasn't entirely sure. Pulling one lacy curtain shut, he left the other open and then headed for the bathroom to finish up his morning routine of shaving, getting his hair styled, and waking the hell up.

Ten minutes later, he emerged, looking far more his usual self, the faintest scent of cologne on the air. He padded over to the back door, opening it to let the dog in and then grabbed his favorite mug, gave it a cursory rinse and then filled it with coffee, nearly to the brim. Strong and black, that was how he took it. He took a sip and then placed it on the table, heading out to the front. Slipping on his flip-flops, he unlocked the door and checked the small porch, finding a package already there. "Thought I heard the door earlier," he murmured to himself as he picked up the package, which was rather bulky, and got it back inside. Ditching the shoes, he nudged the door closed and hummed softly as he headed for the table with it.

He set it down, giving it a glance, and then an odd look when his daughter, Noa's, name appeared on the shipping label rather than his or his wife's. He let out a quiet sound of perplexion, shrugging and slipping his pocket knife out, opening it and sliding the blade through the tape holding it shut. Maybe his family or Hana's had decided to just send it in his daughter's name.

Inside, he pulled out a cute little backpack, featuring a couple of very loudly colored cats and a leopard print background. The bag itself was hot pink with green trim. He set it aside and rustled around in the packing peanuts, finding a jar of neon orange nail polish, the color being his daughter's favorite. And, finally, a card. It wasn't sealed or labeled, just a card envelope, lavender in color. Opening it, he slid out a card that looked like it was for anything but a child. A red foil heart on the front and some English words he failed to understand on the front. He flipped it open and found a few more English lines on the right side, but on the left there was an entire paragraph scrawled out in relatively bad handwriting, though all in Japanese. He set to reading it, simply curious who had sent the gifts to his kid.

_Hana,_

_Last week was something really special. Thank you for letting me see my daughter again, even if we pretend I'm just a friend. She's grown so much and heading to Learning Center soon, so I thought she could use the backpack. The polish is in her favorite color; she told me when we got her that balloon that they didn't have her favorite one. Thanks for keeping me involved in her life, even if just a little. I still feel a little badly about our monthly meetups, but like you said, he's got others, too. So why shouldn't you? You're the greatest._

_M_

Kaoru stared at the letter as he slowly sank down into the kitchen chair, the crease of confusion between his brows deepening with very pass he gave over the words. Even as one trembling hand reached for his coffee mug and forced him to methodically take sip after sip of the scalding liquid, he never noticed it was burning his tongue and throat as it went down. 

An hour later when another door in the house creaked open and then the bathroom door closed, he was still sitting there, staring at the card, though no longer reading it. His eyes stared blindly at the words, pain etched across his features instead of confusion. His coffee was gone, but he still tried to take sips from the empty mug, time and again. There was no questioning what had happened or what this meant. Only the shock of something he now realized he didn't really want to know. Ignorance had been bliss and this... this was a soul-sucking void of agony.

He only snapped out of it when his daughter climbed up onto his lap and leaned back against him, giving a huge yawn. Pushing the card under the edge of the box, he pushed his mug back across the table and wrapped his arms around her. A few more seconds of shock remained and then his world simply began to implode upon him. He pushed his face against her hair as he held onto her for dear life, silent tears beginning to fall, dripping down into her hair as he lightly rocked her.

For the first few minutes, she just let him hold her, silent and unmasking, and then the tears began to soak through to her and she squirmed around in his arms until she hand one tiny hand on his cheek and pushed him back enough to see him. "Papa?" she whispered out, concern lacing her voice. She wasn't old enough to make all that much sense when she spoke most of the time, but she could get her point across when she wanted to, and one of the first words she'd learned had been Papa. From day one, she'd only had eyes for Kaoru, reaching for him when she gained enough motor control to show what she wanted, and crawling to him even when Hana tried to get her to go to her when she'd started to learn to crawl.

He reached one trembling hand to cup her cheek and breathed out, "Noa... my love." Kaoru let her clumsily wipe away his tears, swallowing hard as he did his best to smile for her. "Hey..." he murmured, finally. "Look." He picked up the backpack from the table and held it out to her. "Someone sent this for you."

She took it and her face lit up, one chubby little finger poking one of the cats in the face. "Kitty!"

"Yeah... kitty." Kaoru rested his chin on her head as she turned a bit to start fumbling with it, watching her as she unzipped it with some amount of difficulty and then peered inside. Nothing but some packing paper was inside any of the pouches she opened. She let it go, leaving it wedged between her and Kaoru as she reached for the orange polish. "Orange!"

Kaoru took it before she could get it, not wanting the glass to break on the floor. "Yes. This is yours, too, precious." He kissed her cheek lightly and then tapped the table. "Put your hand up here."

She did as she was told, smacking her hand down on the table and then owlishly peering back at Kaoru as he shook the little bottle and then twisted off the lid. The next few minutes were spent polishing her left hand, the orange requiring two coats before it showed up as brightly as Kaoru thought it should have. He held her hand in front of her mouth. "Blow on it." He showed her once, by gently blowing on her hand and then let her go about it as he took her other hand and began working on it.

He was most of the way through the second coat when a hand descended on his shoulder, lightly massaging. He stiffened nearly instantly and had to actually force himself to relax enough to finish up Noa's nails. Closing the polish, he took her hand himself and began blowing on it, just looking up at his wife, not staying a word to her, not trusting himself to at the moment.

Once he was sure his daughter had the polish under control, he set the backpack aside and gently placed her on her feet. "Go watch the dinos, okay?"

She rushed off toward the living room, the TV coming on a moment later, the volume going up, and then after a few tries of random sounds, he heard the dinosaur show she loved come on. Finally, he pushed out the other chair and gestured his wife toward it. "Give me a moment before everyone's awake, please?"

Hana settled and Kaoru picked up his mug, taking it to the sink and then came back, taking the card from under the box edge and pushing it toward her. He didn't look angry, only deeply wounded as he settled back, his hands in his lap.

She took the card and opened it. As she read, he watched her complexion pale and her back go rigid. "Kao... I-"

He held up a hand and then shook his head a little. "Before we start this, I want to be perfectly clear on a few things. I have never gone out on you. I've never even thought of it, so that part of that letter is sort of full of it." He swallowed thickly. "And I want only the truth. No excuses. I want actual reasons and what really happened. I think I can ask that much." He let his hands rest in his lap again as he gazed at her.

She watched him quietly for a moment and then whispered out, "Oh, Kaoru... I... god." She sat back in her chair, the wood creaking under the change in position. "Have you really never taken some girl when you're overseas? I mean, you're a rockstar for god's sake..."

For a second anger clouded his face, though he squashed it quickly and flicked his gaze to some point behind her. "Never."

Silence extended between them for a few minutes until, finally, she murmured, "Noa is his, as he says. While you were in Europe, I got pregnant. But I didn't know until almost a month after you got back and I didn't want to give her up."

This time the anger was swift and he didn't even bother trying to squash it as he glowered at her, his hands clenching in his lap. "Don't you ever talk about having even _thought_ of giving _our_ daughter up again. She's one of the best damn things to ever happen to me."

Hana shifted uncomfortably and just nodded, looking helplessly lost. Eventually, she spoke up again, her voice weak. "It's been going on for around six years now. When you leave..." she shrugged a little, staring at the table.

Kaoru leaned himself back, looking up at the ceiling as he fought to keep himself calm. Shaking his head a little, he murmured, "Is Masaki mine by birth?" His voice trembled slightly as he asked the question, his hands clasping one another to stop the shaking.

"Yes... I gave birth to him before I knew... him."

"You're still seeing him in... that capacity or just to let him see Noa?"

She shifted uncomfortably again and Kaoru looked away, murmuring, "I see..."

Standing up, he reached for the box and his pocket knife, taking them to the counter and carefully emptying the packing peanuts and then breaking the box down. He put his knife away and then tucked the box into the recycle bin before leaning back on the counter, gazing at his wife's profile. "You're one hundred percent certain of the birth father then?"

"I've only been with him and you," Hana offered quietly, picking up a stray packing peanut and turning it in her hand.

"I mean you're certain it's not me." Kaoru reached to rub his hand over his mouth and nose and then dropped it back to the counter. 

"Yes. We did a test. She's... his."

"No." Kaoru stepped away from the counter and came to where his wife could see him. "She's my daughter. I've raised her and she is this huge light in my life and I won't have that taken from me." He shook his head slowly. "I never want to hear her have to question that. One day, in the next few years, I'll tell her she had another birth father and who it is. But right now, I'm her Papa and that's what matters." He pushed his hand through his hair and then sighed. 

"I'll break it off with him and she'll never see him again, Kaoru. I'm so sor-"

Kaoru shot her a look and she stopped mid-sentence. "If you were really sorry for your acts, you wouldn't have done them. You're sorry you got caught. That's how this works. You're sorry he sent this and you're sorry I opened it and not you. And you're sorry we're having this discussion. You're not sorry you," he lowered his voice, "fucked him, or you'd not have done it to start with. So I don't want to hear it. Don't bother." He crossed his arms lightly and took up looking out the window. "Don't bother breaking it off, it would only hurt Noa when she finds out you stopped letting her see her birth father. And then she'd be angry at me for it as well. I won't have that. Not ever."

Stepping back to the sink, he leaned on it and gazed out across the yard. "Tell me I don't know him."

"You don't."

"I don't want to. I don't want to know his full name until it comes time to tell Noa." He gripped the sink harder. "And I want you to tell him the next time you see him that I have never cheated on you in the past and that it was you who started that sort of life for us. I will not have my past name sullied in such a way."

"Started... this?" She sounded more confused than anything.

Kaoru turned around and huffed out a laugh. "I'm sorry... did you think I'd let you keep fucking him and this be a one way street, _darling_?" The way he said the normally affectionate name pushed across the idea that it was meant only as a dagger of a word in this case. Sharpened and thrown in retaliation for his own pain that she'd caused. "I'm not really okay with having someone else touching my wife and then me going right along behind them to do the same. So from this point on, we are in an open marriage... on _both_ sides." He moved to lean over her chair, breathing into her ear. "Because I don't want to touch you ever again. And I hope you know when I leave the house today, the first place I'm going is the clinic to be tested. I can only hope you have done the same at some point in the past six years."

Pushing himself away from her chair, he studied her, his anger starting to show through past the pain. Shaking his head, he turned and left the room, heading straight into their bedroom and closing the door behind himself. Even as he slid down the wall next to the bed, pushing his head into his hands, he knew it would be a good long while before he'd even remotely think about making anything he'd said true. Some part of him couldn't bring himself to have said anything else, but the other part was devastated and in more pain than he'd thought humanly possible. 

He didn't cry this time, but his heart certainly shattered hard enough he should have. Sitting there, trembling, all he could think was _what had he done to deserve this_?

**To be continued...**


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song[s]: Various by Kirito

Kaoru sat in the middle of his living room floor, a broad smile on his face as he watched the television set. Noa's favorite cartoon was playing, the dinosaurs leaping around on a trampoline. His daughter stood behind him, her tiny hands 'braiding' his hair. He was sure it would be more knots than braids by the time she was done, but when it came to his lovely angel, he had the most infinite stretch of patience in the world. He'd spend hours unknotting it if it made her happy to fix it up for him.

His son, Masaki, lay sprawled out in front of him, putting together a rather small puzzle, something he'd found out the kid loved to do at a very young age. They'd started him of with the giant floor puzzles and then moved him on when they'd run out of options in the larger puzzles and he'd done just fine. The truly hard part had been keeping their dog from eating the pieces and making their son cry when he couldn’t finish the picture. 

Kaoru picked up a piece and leaned forward briefly to place it, earning himself a whine of, "Papa!" from behind him. He chuckled, sitting back. "Sorry, my sweet. I'll stay still now."

Masaki rolled onto his side and just watched them for a few minutes, his gaze concentrated and intent. "Doing it wrong," he finally offered, his words a little less refined than they would have been coming from an adult, but the point made none the less. 

Noa stuck her tongue out and returned, "Am not!" before going back to styling Kaoru's hair.

The next hour passed easily, Noa finishing with Kaoru's hair and going to color, mostly completely outside the lines, in the big book of pets Kaoru had gotten her last week. He was convinced she did it to rebel against where she was supposed to color, because his daughter was nothing if not achingly smart. But it made him smile whenever she handed him a pet picture with nothing but scribbles in the background and a single spot on the animal colored so neatly it was glaringly obvious. Someone outside their home would have thought maybe an adult colored the spot on the animal, but Kaoru knew the truth.

He pulled himself up from the floor, leaving them to watch an American cartoon that they seemed to be pulling a little English from every now and then, and settled at his desk on the other side of the room. Bringing up his work email, he began to sort through things that could wait and things he needed to address immediately. 

By the time he finished, he could smell the scent of lunch drifting in toward him and his stomach rumbled loudly. Plucking himself out of his chair, he went to peer into the kitchen finding Hana placing out four plates at the table, all with rice, a fried egg, and pork tonkatsu cut up really small. It was an odd combination, but one that Masaki loved and he'd done so well all week, they'd let him choose a meal for the weekend. 

He went and gathered his children, herding them toward the kitchen and getting them situated. Once he had, he gently skirted around Hana and took his seat. She sat beside him, as she always had, and they began their meal. 

Hana reached to pluck up one of Kaoru's 'braids' and let out a little laugh. "Noa, is this your work?"

"Yes!" Noa put her napkin down and grinned broadly at her mother, despite the mouthful of food she had. "Pretty papa!"

Kaoru let out a deep rumble of a chuckle and nodded. "Yes, Papa is pretty like this, isn't he?" He reached to fluff his hair a bit, his eyes sparkling happily as he watched his daughter beam even more at the compliment. "It's _perfect_ ," he intoned, in a way that gently let Hana know not to tell her daughter that it was anything else.

"It's not," Masaki murmured, staring up from his plate with a little bit of a perplexed look. 

"You can braid my hair any time you want," Kaoru offered, pinning his son with a soft look. "And show her your way if you would like. But her way is just fine, too."

"Kaoru," Hana murmured, "he's not going to want to braid your hair."

Kaoru watched as Masaki looked toward his mother and then back at the 'braids' on Kaoru's hair, his eyes narrowing. His son lifted his chin defiantly and then, "I will." Kaoru nearly laughed, having known the outcome before it ever happened. Hardheaded and a stereotype breaker, just like he'd been as a kid; it made him proud. 

"Yeah, Mom," Kaoru teased, "he _will_." He pinned his wife with a pointed look and then went back to eating when she shrugged. "How about next week, kiddo? Want to show us how you do it then?"

"Yes. During Dinos...." Masaki hunched over his plate and watched his father, doing his best to put the same things in each bite that his dad did, the effort not going at all unnoticed by Kaoru, who consciously took smaller bites to give the poor kid a chance. 

After lunch, everyone put their dishes in the dishwasher, Hana supervising the effort and Kaoru scooting the kids off to wash up in the bathroom sink, where there was a stepstool so they could reach without him having to lift them, something he'd found with their growing age was getting bad for his back. After all, he was pushing his mid-forties and such things didn't come as easily as they once had. Sometimes he thought he'd waited too long to have kids, but others, he was just happy that he had such wonderful children that he'd been blessed with, no matter how they'd come into this world to start with.

Once he made sure they'd scrubbed their faces and hands clean, he toweled them off, and then sent them on their way to go do whatever they wanted in another room. Closing the door, he went about using the restroom and washing his own hands before just leaning on the counter, staring himself in the eyes, sadness overwhelming him.

He could distract himself, could live in the moment when his kids were around. But the moment they were gone, he was right back to feeling sorry for himself, to wondering what he'd done in his life to deserve his wife cheating on him. For the first few weeks, he'd not slept without alcohol in his system and some nights he just hadn't at all. Every time she left, he'd watched her go, certain she was going to see 'M'. 

He was surprised at himself in a lot of ways though. They still slept at night in the same bed and once in a while, he'd find her in his arms when he woke up, though he would immediately pull away from her and the resulting sadness would grip him all the way through his morning shower. Those rare instances and the casual touches that he would have exchanged with anyone he knew at least fairly well were the only contact he had with her in a physical sense. He couldn't bring himself to even so much as exchange a kiss with her. The one time she'd tried, he had moved his head so that she ended up kissing his hair, and she hadn't tried again since. He'd give her a one-armed hug goodbye on the mornings he had to leave for band business after Masaki had pointed out that Papa hadn't given Mom a hug like he had them. 

That moment had been what kept Kaoru on track not being an asshole to his wife, honestly. The stark knowledge that his son was old enough to see how he treated her and to be learning from it stopped him in his tracks. He'd not show him something he wouldn't want his son duplicating at some point in his life and that was final. So now, he showed her the same smiles he had before, though maybe they didn't meet his eyes, and he gave her the little touches in the presence of his children. But the moment they were behind closed doors, there was a chill in the air that was unmistakable. 

A thin wail pierced the air from outside the bathroom and Kaoru instantly snapped back into dad-mode, pushing away from the sink and darting out the door toward the source of the sound. Some things would never change and his love and concern for his children was one of them.

**To be continued...**


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song[s]: Various by Tool (starting with Pushit)

In a lot of ways, touring was a relief for Kaoru. Maybe more so than it ever had been in the past. He no longer had to leave work and put on the mask of a man okay with what he was dealing with at home. Of course, he was nothing but happy with his children, that part was hardly the issue. Rather, it was sharing a constant bed with his wife, all the while knowing another man's hands had been on her... and that for years he'd been following right along behind this other man.

Right before they'd left, he'd finally sucked it up and gone to the clinic to get himself tested. The results had been emailed to him and he'd gotten them this morning, finding that he was perfectly fine. That part had been a relief, something that had been gnawing at the back of his mind for near on four months since he'd found out he wasn't the only man in Hana's life.

They'd had their first fight over the other man the night before he'd gone and even the memory of it was enough to turn his stomach. He didn't like fighting in a house where he knew little ears could hear them and though they'd kept their voices down, he feared what may have been overheard anyway. She'd walked in on him in the shower and just joined him like she once would have. But the moment she'd slid her arms around him, it had taken everything Kaoru had in him not to react in all the wrong ways.

Instead, he'd pushed her hands off of him as lightly as he could and then stepped out of the shower, leaving her there. From outside the shower, he'd told her how he didn't want her touching him and when she'd pushed it, he had bluntly told her that the idea of being with her after she'd gone to her other lover made him feel sick to his stomach. The ensuing fight had been something he never wanted to repeat, but the result had at least been clear-cut lines in their relationship. They'd no longer share physical relations with one another, though they would still share a bed and a life with one another. 

Die's voice snapped him out of his revere and Kaoru looked up, smiling a bit as the obviously drunk guitarist plopped himself down opposite Kaoru and leaned heavily on the table. "You look like someone put salt in your beer, what the hell's going on man?"

Kaoru gave Die a little smile and then shook his head. "Don't worry about it. Personal shit. I shouldn't be dragging it with me, anyway."

"Nah..." Die hiccupped and made a funny face before continuing, "we're human, man... so we drag shit with us." He laughed as he picked up the pitcher of beer and poured some into his nearly empty glass, putting it back in the center of the table and lifting his glass. "Good show thought, right?"

"Yeah, best yet." Kaoru raised his own glass, bringing it to his lips after lightly clinking it with Die's. Beyond the rim, his gaze landed on their vocalist. Kyo was watching him, his arms folded neatly on his table, a glass of water in front of him and nothing else. The look on his face was nothing short of knowing and Kaoru found himself staring, utterly confused, before he looked away, shaking his head, focusing back on the guitarist in front of him.

Die was midway through some regaling tale of the night before and Kaoru forced himself to focus and try to catch up rather than letting his mind wander. Normally Die's stories gave him something to laugh along with him about and he loved the time they spent doing such things. But tonight, he found his attention drifting more than once, his eyes continuously going back to Kyo. And every time he looked that way, he found the other staring at him, as though he hadn't looked away at all. It was curious... if not a bit unsettling.

**To be continued**


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song[s]: Various by Leiahdorus, Dead Can Dance, and Rentrer en Soi

Smoke curled up into the night sky from the tip of Kaoru's cigarette. He'd lit it and hadn't taken much but a few small drags off of it in the meantime, mostly just standing there against the alley wall and gazing up toward the constellations above. He'd taken his leave of the bus some twenty minutes earlier when he'd found himself growing more and more uncomfortably irritable over things none of the others could have controlled. 

Part of him knew why he was so impatient and annoyed and the fact that he could trace it all back to his current relationship situation left him even more upset than he would have been had it been something else that was setting him off. Die's insistent talking was driving him bananas and Toshiya's snoring had driven him to nearly smother the bassist in his sleep last night. Not to mention he kept napping in the chair next to Kaoru and continued to snore every single time. Shinya's quiet was putting him on edge and the very sound of Nora's voice made him want to scream. The steady tick of Kyo's pen as it scratched across paper had nearly driven him to snatch the implement from his hand and snap it in half. And it was at that point that he had simply stood up and walked to the front of the bus, requesting they stop at the next rest area and let him out.

Most of the others had left to use the restroom and then gone back in, all of them avoiding him, as if they knew he would snap their heads off if they came too near. Rarely did he get a stick this far up his ass, but when he did, they all knew avoidance was the best tactic.

He shifted and then settled, staring at his feet now, taking a huge drag off his cigarette and then tossing the butt down, crushing it out with his shoe. Still, he didn't make any move to leave, not ready or willing to face the band and apologize for being a jerk.

Gravel crunched to his left and he didn't look up, waiting on whoever it was to either pass him or be fool enough to talk to him. But instead, a familiar pair of boots came into his view and then stopped. No words were spoken and he found himself relaxing, realizing who it was. 

Eventually, he looked up, finding Kyo quietly watching him, the shorter man's hands in his pockets, his stance easy and relaxed. His air was open and inviting, but still, he said not a word, even as Kaoru regarded him.

Kaoru ran his hand through his hair and breathed out a sigh, shaking his head a little. 

Kyo reached out, lightly touching his arm. His hand was warm where it touched, the grip tightening a bit in a friendly sort of way, and then the vocalist was retreating without a single word.

Kaoru watched his back as he walked toward the bus. Somehow, Kyo had just always understood how Kaoru needed to go about doing things. And it had always been a comfort to him. Today... he found himself feeling nearly lost as the other walked away. The silent wish upon the air that he'd pushed for once in his life.

\--------------

Toshiya's laughter rang through the air and Kaoru watched from the back of the venue as he and Shinya held yet another imaginary lightsaber battle. They'd seen the newest trailer for Star Wars - at Kyo's behest - and all day things like this had been the result. Something about a portion of the trailer being nearly a joke. Kaoru hadn't quite understood, not really into the movies himself. But Kyo had even seemed amused, watching the two the first time they'd re-enacted the trailer in a way that seemed quite a bit more mocking than anything else.

Shaking his head, Kaoru shouldered his bag and stifled a yawn. They had to be on the road again in two hours and he was determined to be less of a grimy rock star before they got on their way again.

Arriving at the shower room, he put his bag down and smiled a little as of their opening musicians slapped him on the back and said something in English that completely went over his head. He just smiled at him a bit wider and the guy gave him a thumb's up, which he returned. Once the guy was gone, he began unpacking his stuff from his bag.

A small huff of a laugh came from his left and Kaoru glanced over, finding Kyo just pulling up his track pants. "Do you know what he said?"

"Not a clue." Kaoru looked back at his own bag, steadily avoiding looking over again as he removed his own shirt and pushed it into the plastic sack he carried. Out came the stuff from his pants pockets and his belt and all of his jewelry, into the bag.

"He told you to have fun with the view."

Kaoru gave the bench a perplexed look and then shrugged. "Of the shower?"

Kyo laughed, the sound quite a bit louder than Kaoru was used to the other laughing. "Nah... he got an eyeful of me in the shower and the man gaped like a fish at me for a good minute before minding his own business."

One of Kaoru's eyebrows hiked and he chuckled a bit. "Guess he liked what he saw?"

"Or was shocked by it, I guess."

Kaoru unzipped his jeans and stepped out of them, leaving him in his briefs for now. He picked up his shower bag and finally glanced back at Kyo, finding him fully clothed and just standing there, his stance easy set and his gaze on the floor a few feet away from his own feet. Kaoru swallowed and for a moment, he almost found himself blurting out everything he wanted to get off his chest. It wouldn't be the first time and probably not the last that Kyo left himself in a position to allow Kaoru to vent when he needed to. And it gave him a certain degree of calmness to know he had a place to go without having to ask for it.

He picked up his towel and slid it over his arm, quietly murmuring, "You free tonight?"

"Anytime you're ready," Kyo returned easily, picking up his bag and shouldering it. "Just find me." With that, he was heading out of the room, not even a backwards glance, though Kaoru watched him go until the door closed behind him, relief steadily flooding his body.

\--

Hours later, everyone was crammed into the tour bus. Most were asleep and a few had actually opted to go and take up residence in the other band's bus, having been invited to share theirs for a less cramped trip between stops. Kaoru sat in one of the soft leather seats closer to the front of the bus, further from most of the others that were awake. He sat back from his laptop finally, stretching and then reaching to close the lid.

By the time he had it closed, the seat across from him was occupied, their vocalist lounging easily in the chair. He shot the other a grateful look that he hadn't had to go find him for this, but that Kyo had just known it was time. It was something that made it clear to Kaoru that Kyo had been waiting on him this whole time, since the first day he'd offered himself to be the listening ear for his problems.

Getting up, Kaoru moved to the chair beside Kyo, not wanting to be loud about their little talk. After all, it was no one else's business. He'd only chosen to let Kyo in on the information. He took a moment to compose himself and then just opened his mouth and let whatever was going to come out, flow past his lips. "Do you think I'm losing touch with reality lately?"

Kyo gave him a startled look. Their talks didn't usually consist of questions directly pointed toward Kyo, so it was obvious it threw him off a bit. He shook his head. "Not that I'm aware of... do you mean that literally, like something a doctor of some sort would need to address or just like... figuratively?"

Kaoru shrugged. "Figuratively, I guess. I don't feel insane. Just sort of like I can't look at the world through the same colored glasses I once did."

Kyo made a little sound to show he understood, bobbing his head slightly. 

"I guess that's sort of reasonable though..." Kaoru stared down at his hands resting in his lap, watching as he twined them with one another and then settled them. "That happens when you find out your wife's been with someone else for six years of your marriage."

Much to Kyo's credit, he didn't even so much as gasp, though his mouth did hang open for a moment before he firmly shut it. By the time Kaoru looked up at him again, Kyo just had the most pained expression on his face and Kaoru felt like, somehow, it mirrored his own inner turmoil quite well. Sometimes people joked that Kyo was empathic, that he could literally feel the emotions of others as if they were his own. But Kaoru had never found it a joke. The way he'd find the other watching him at times spoke of his own emotional state in a way he felt was so intimate he couldn't have asked for it to be any closer unless he'd been talking to himself. And the other always knew when to find him... where his breaking point was and how to head it off. It was awful intimate for someone who he'd never told how to deal with him and it had been within months of him joining the band that Kyo had started doing it. Now, it was second nature, but sometimes it still made him think, gave him pause to examine it in a finer tuned sort of manner.

He swallowed and then continued, giving a little shrug. "The guy mailed a present to his birth child... with a note." He let his hands fall loosely in his lap, his voice dipping to nearly a whisper. "I'm not going to tell her for a while though. I think she has the right to know at some point and to hear it from me. But I don't know that she's old enough to understand yet and I don't want her to think something that's not true." He looked over at Kyo, meeting the vocalist's gaze and holding it. "She's my daughter. No matter what. I raised her and I love her with everything I am. Nothing will ever change that."

"Naturally. I wouldn't have expected you to say anything else." Kyo reached to gently touch Kaoru's arm, a gesture that meant more than one might think from the outside. Kyo reserved his touches and it was something Kaoru knew intimately. For Kyo to dole one out meant he felt it immediately necessary for the person in front of him to receive it.

Kaoru sighed and then let his fingers lightly touch Kyo's hand before dropping his hand back into his lap and gazing at the floor once again. "I can't stand the thought of touching her intimately again... I even got tested. And that's not fun, you know? Being completely honorable to someone for your entire marriage and not knowing you should have been testing yourself for years of that to make sure you didn't pick up something from someone else that's been with who knows how many other people."

"You think she's been with more than him?"

"No... not her. But if he's willing to fuck around with her, then who else is he doing it with, too, you know?" Kyo made a soft sound and Kaoru plunged onward. "Before you ask, I won't leave her... I don't want the possibility of not having my children in my life. And you know it wouldn't be ruled in my favor. I may be the main supporter financially, but being gone regularly won't be looked at kindly. And I just can't stand the thought of not being with them while they grow up. I just..." he shook his head, "we try to look normal for the kids, but we aren't."

Kyo just waited him out until Kaoru finally admitted quietly, "I can't stand the thought of touching her. Maybe it'll go away one day... maybe it won't."

"So what is she doing about... _him_?" 

It occurred to Kaoru that anyone else would have apologized for prying, but Kyo had always been completely unapologetic about what he did or said and Kaoru wouldn't have had him any other way. It was comforting somehow, for someone to be so okay within their mind that they didn't submit to the worldview of things so easily. "Nothing. I told her it's an open marriage from the day I found out forward. Maybe that was cruelty speaking, but I told her I'd never cheated on her before and frankly, I wasn't about to start. But if I never touch her again... life is a hell of a long time to never be close to someone like that again." Kaoru closed his eyes, leaning back to try to hide his pained look.

The truth was he was already having a hard time cutting himself off from the physical contact he'd grown so used to. He'd been maybe achingly regular and perhaps that had driven her to another man. He'd never know and he didn't really want to find out. And now, with months separating him from the discovery, he found himself just wishing someone were beside him at night that he felt comfortable relaxing against or even sliding his arm around. The fact that it didn't even have to be sexual is what really tipped him off that he'd not live forever like this. It wouldn't be now and maybe not even soon, but one day he'd find himself in someone else's bed and he wondered if he'd feel like he was betraying something when he did. 

Kyo's touch came again, this time in the form of his warm hand on Kaoru's knee, lightly gripping and utterly stationary. Like an anchor in a storm, Kaoru reasoned as he studied the tattooed fingers that easily rested on his jean-clad leg. He made no move to interact with Kyo's offered support, only taking the proffered solace and allowing it to ease some of his tension. A touch when he ached most for one, a rock when he felt like he was about to fly away into the chaotic storm of his life. It was stupid, but he almost felt like some of his pent up anger and repressed needs were filtering away from him through Kyo's very touch. It was a notion that could have been likened to the healing touch of a traveling believer of some Western tale or other. But all the same, he found himself more than willing to let it work, despite not fully understanding why it felt the way it did.

They sat in silence for near on an hour, Kyo's touch never leaving him. And soon enough, he found himself slipping into the first restful sleep he'd had all tour, his body relaxing and his breathing evening out until the world as he knew it slipped out from under his thumb, sending him sailing into the blackened sea that would take him far away from here.

**To be continued**


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song[s]: Various by Dir en grey

A warm hand came to rest on Kaoru's back, just below his shoulder blade. It was exactly where he felt a slight amount of discomfort, the sort that a little pressure did wonders for. The next moment, Kyo was bending over to peer at the photos that had been printed out for them to go over, just the right amount of pressure being applied to the area for it to stop aching. Gratefulness flooded Kaoru as he eased himself into the touch just a bit more, splaying out the photos with his other hand for Kyo to see them all as well. "I think we'll buy ten of them outright, for all rights. The others on a conditional basis and let them use them as well. Which do you think we should get full rights to?"

Kyo picked up one of Die that captured the guitarist in stunning light and set it aside. "That one for certain." He kept his hand with steady pressure even as he moved, making it obvious he knew what he was doing and it wasn't just coincidental, though to anyone else it would look like he was using Kaoru to steady himself as he leaned over at the awkward angle.

"Yeah, it's really good. I think Die will like it." He sifted around a bit himself and came up with one of Shinya, putting it aside. It wasn't especially stunning, but it was a crisp photo of the other, which to the guy's credit, was difficult given the drummer's position during shows, especially overseas. He spread out the others and plucked one of himself up, putting it aside.

Kyo selected one of Toshiya and another of Die and Kaoru gathered the others, mostly of Kyo, putting them aside. That was nine. He stared at the others, pondering it, until Kyo picked up one that was from Kaoru's side of the stage, but showed all of them in profile behind him, even Shinya slightly less blurry than usual. He added it to the pile and then nodded. "There."

"Yeah, I think that's good." They both straightened up and Kyo dropped his hand, easing himself back to not be in Kaoru's way as he gathered up the others and then headed back toward where the photographer was.

When Kaoru found Kyo again, the vocalist had draped himself across one of the backstage chairs and was mid-yawn. He chuckled and perched himself with his hip against the side of the chair, his arm resting on the back as he looked down at Kyo. Some part of him wanted to thank Kyo for all he'd been doing this tour to help him, but he couldn't even fathom how to do it without turning it into an awkward conversation. _Thanks for touching me_ sounded a bit off-base and anything else didn't quite describe what it was that Kyo was imparting on him that helped so much. Instead, he just let their eyes meet for a few moments, pushing his feelings out into the universe and hoping Kyo got the point. If he was half as empathic as others thought him to be, he'd pick it up, Kaoru reasoned.

After a few moments, Kyo looked away, a smile on his lips as he linked his hands over his head and stretched, an audible pop coming from his spine. "We aren't getting any younger, man..." He settled back and shook his head. "Fallin' apart at the seams."

Kaoru snorted a half-laugh and nodded. "Tell me about it."

"Mm... still worth it, every single time though." Kyo crossed his ankles over the side of the chair and closed his eyes, just lounging there, his arms pillowed on his head and his hips pushing up slightly before easing back down.

Kaoru found himself watching the other in a way that surprised him enough that he looked away the moment he noticed it. His heart beat a bit quicker and warmth was spreading through his body. It was nearly a childish reaction to the other man and he couldn’t help but breathe out a laugh at himself. The fact that Kyo was a guy didn't bother him in the least, but the hard to miss truth that Kyo was his bandmate and coworker - not to mention his close friend - for going on eighteen years now stopped him dead in his tracks. It wasn't territory he needed to be treading into, even if only in his own mind. 

Pushing away from the chair, he gave Kyo's hair a ruffle, earning himself a disgruntled grunt for his trouble. "See ya on the flip side. If you guys put me next to Toshiya on the flight back, I'll punch whoever did it, make sure they know that." With that, he left Kyo's snickering form behind, a small grin on his lips. After all... no one wanted the snoring bassist half laying on them during a flight.

**To be continued**


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song[s]: Various by blessthefall and Dir en grey

_9:47pm_ \- Kaoru studied the alarm clock as he rolled over in bed for what felt like the hundredth time. He'd gone to bed shortly after putting the kids to sleep, Hana not having been home for the past two nights. He knew where she was, but he didn't ask and he didn't think on it too much. It hadn't really stopped bothering him, but it had stopped making his nights bitter and filled with anger at least a month ago. He rarely spent the night with her in his bed and when he did, they may as well have had an imaginary zone between them that no one was allowed to cross any longer. The mornings of finding himself tangled in her arms were long past and the void in his life was growing deeper because of it.

He'd once heard someone say that everyone needed love in a variety of ways and that you could live without it when you hadn't had it before. But once you'd experienced it, your life would be devoid of that happiness once it was taken away from you. It was the idea of knowing how something once was basically creating a new hole that had to be filled for you to truly be happy again. That was probably true in a lot of life and Kaoru couldn't have agreed more with it than he had in the past few months as his own void grew deeper and deeper with each passing day.

Rolling over again, he finally snatched up his phone off the nightstand. Flicking open the lock screen, he pulled up a new text and entered Kyo's name, selecting his number from the list. Before he could back out of it, he typed out something he honestly thought he'd never have sent toward the other. " _Can we talk? In person? I can't leave, watching the kiddos alone._ "

He started to put the phone down, but it went off before he could fully put it on the bed. " _Sure. 30min._ " Breathing out a sigh of relief, he pushed himself out of bed and pulled on a pair of sweatpants over his briefs, finding an old Metallica shirt and yanking that on as well. 

Making his way to the kitchen, he pulled out a can of beer from the top shelf of the fridge and dug out all the right things to make Kyo his green tea. Twenty minutes later, his phone let out his text tone and Kaoru picked it up off the counter, seeing Kyo's name and " _I'm here_ " under it. He set Kyo's cup on the counter and went to the door, checking and then opening it to let Kyo in. He locked the door behind him and murmured, "They're asleep, just have to keep our voices quiet is all. It should be fine."

Kyo set to taking off his shoes and Kaoru went to get his beer and the tea, heading to the living room with them and placing them at the small table, easing himself down onto one of the pillows. When Kyo joined him a few minutes later, Kaoru was only vaguely surprised as he took the one right next to him, close enough that even Die - the notorious one for being up in people's personal space - would have given them an odd look. 

Kyo accepted his tea and rested his arms on the table, just waiting quietly.

Breathing out a sigh, Kaoru murmured, "I hate to admit it, but... I needed someone here." He leaned forward as well, his elbow pressed lightly against Kyo's, the touch intentional and calculated. "And not just anyone." He took a swig of beer and then put it down. "I got used to you being around on tour, you know."

Silence drew out between them to the point that Kaoru almost regretted having spoken up and then Kyo's hand moved off the table, coming to rest on Kaoru's thigh, far higher than any friendly touch should have gone. "I'll make you a deal then. Ask for what you actually need and it'll happen. But," he turned to look Kaoru right in the eyes, "if you can't say it, then you aren't ready for it, and it won't."

Kaoru's pulse charged forward and he wet his lips as he held Kyo's gaze head-on, utterly unwavering. "I don't think you have any idea what you just asked me to do and that if you did, you'd be horrified. But, to be fair, the things I am willing to ask for are these. I want your presence in the ways you were providing it to me during the tour. I want your hand where it is right now, very much, and in an effort to show you the uncomfortable places my mind leaps to... it's taking a bit of effort not to break every rule I have about mixing work and a hell of a different beast right now."

Kyo's lips curved upward into a small smile, his tongue flickering out to wet them briefly before retreating. "How about you be more blunt about that last one. I think I'm a little... _hard_ of hearing." Kyo cocked his head slightly, a devious look flickering in his eyes as he regarded Kaoru.

"Don't be an ass," Kaoru breathed out, the words holding not a single bit of malice in them. "And trust me when I say you wouldn't want to know."

"But see, telling me I don't want to know, means I _have_ to find out." Kyo held up one finger and let his grin light up his face in the most alarmingly sinister of ways. "But you knew that, didn't you?"

Kaoru found his breath coming to him quicker than he meant for it to and before he could change his mind, he reached up, sliding his hand into Kyo's short black locks and latched on, tilting his head where he wanted it. A moment later, his lips sealed over Kyo's own, the kiss hungry... passionate... if not a little desperate. Much to his own surprise, Kyo met it with equal ferocity, his hand tightening on Kaoru's thigh as they nearly devoured one another, tongues flicking and teeth scraping. 

By the time they parted, Kaoru's body was on fire with all the things he wanted to do. The hints of thoughts that had been teasing him for far too long culminated into much more than simple background noise, providing him with perfect mental images of the debauchery he wanted to perform with Kyo. Without thinking it through long enough to back out, Kaoru breathed out, "I want to show you the part of me I've never shown another soul. I want to bring you into my life and ask you to bend to my every whim...."

"I don't think _ask_ is the word you want to use," Kyo returned, his hand sliding ever so higher as he gazed at the guitarist, fire in his eyes.

Kaoru caught Kyo's wrist, his hand holding tight onto it as he watched him, letting the silence grow, waiting on Kyo to struggle away from him as his grip tightened more and more. Instead, he watched the vocalist's unchanging face, finding the other utterly passive to his aggression. He leaned in and pressed his lips to Kyo's ear. "I want to show you a whole new world, Kyo... a world where I tell you what to do and you do it; a world where we find our pleasure in one another and one in which both of us can find something to complete us."

Kyo brought his other hand to slide over Kaoru's chest, finally grasping the front of his shirt as he let out a quiet laugh. "Is it innocence you see in these eyes Kaoru? Do you look at me and find a man that has no idea what whims you'd want to bend me to? Or do you see the look of someone who knows exactly what you crave and has walked a similar road in his life? Because if you see the former, you are blind."

Kaoru didn't bother catching the groan that spilled from his lips. Instead, he pushed himself to his feet and held out his hand, his eyes flicking between Kyo and the bedroom door. 

Accepting his hand, Kyo pulled himself off the floor, mostly under his own power, and let Kaoru lead him from the room, a knowing smirk on his lips.

Once the door was closed and locked, Kaoru pulled Kyo flush against him, backing him up against the wall and clasping Kyo's hands in his own. Slowly, he eased his hands up over his head, his body aligning with Kyo's own, pressing close enough that he let out the softest of pleased sounds when he could finally feel Kyo's arousal trapped between them. He gave the other a slow, experimental grind, and then dipped his head down, capturing Kyo's lips with his own, the roughness from before returning swiftly. 

By the time they separated, Kyo was grinding himself against Kaoru, making little whimpering noises in the back of his throat and Kaoru's hands were as tight as he dared around Kyo's own, the pressure nearly painful. He slid his moist lips across Kyo's jaw and then pressed his cheek against Kyo's own as he jerked his hips against him repeatedly. "I want to fuck you right here, right against this wall. How does that make you feel?"

Kyo let out a quiet laugh. "I think you want to do more than that. I think you need to take out a lot of anger and aggression... and I think you've found the one place you can do it." He slid his tongue over Kaoru's cheek. "The one place that won't fight back... too much." Kyo yanked his hand away from Kaoru's and speared his hand into Kaoru's hair, pulling hard enough pain lanced though Kaoru. "For today, this will do. But when we don't have to be quiet, when you can really let it all go... I want you to know I'll take it all and fucking beg you for more if that's what gets your rocks off. For today, I want you to fulfill yourself with my body. But for later, I will fight you for my submission. And, let me tell you, Kaoru... that darkness boiling right below the surface... it has found its match in me. It won't be soft or gentle and but fuck will it be a hell of a goddamned ride."

Kaoru shuddered, dragging himself against Kyo's length again and then pulling back, shoving Kyo's hand from his hair with a soft snarl. Their eyes met and Kaoru hissed out, "Get on the fuckin' bed."

Kyo raised his chin and slowly dragged his tongue over his upper lip. "Make me," he barely breathed.

In an instant, Kaoru had Kyo's arm behind his back and his free hand firmly on Kyo's sac, squeezing just enough to be painful. He led with the hand on his balls and Kyo did exactly as he wanted him to. Once at the bed, he shoved him on it and then grabbed Kyo's pants, yanking them down in the back, revealing his ass to him. Without a second's hesitation, he dragged him backwards and spread his cheeks, leaning down and licking his hole. The sound of it was good and sloppy as he shoved his pants and briefs off, stepping out of them and starting to jack off as he ate Kyo's ass for all he was worth, nearly not catching his moans as they tried to bubble up from within him. His hand came to lightly touch Kyo's cock, feeling the weight of it against his palm and the dampness of the head, making it clear Kyo was loving every second of their whole encounter, something that sent a renewed surge of lust slamming through him.

Giving it another good lap, he pulled back and went to his dresser, rummaging until he found a condom and lubricant. Coming back with them, he ripped open the packet and rolled the latex down over his straining shaft, bucking into his own touch. Excitement at the idea that he was going to fuck again for the first time in a long while settled over him and he barely managed to get himself lubed up before he was mounting the bed behind Kyo, yanking the vocalist into position and then pushing into his body. His first moan was a little louder than he would have liked as the tight heat of his vocalist's passage surrounded him. 

Hunching over him, he slid one arm around Kyo's middle and grabbed his dick with the other hand, starting to jack him off as he began to fuck his tight hole. "Holy... oh fuck," he breathed, his hips pistioning quicker, the sound of their union filling the air of the room the faster he went. 

Kyo pushed himself back against Kaoru's dick, clearly enjoying everything very much and Kaoru couldn't help but notice how tight his sac was when he slid his fingers back to touch him. He held the delicate globes for a moment and then gave them a light squeeze, receiving a cry from Kyo that was muffled in his pillow, and his ass clenching down around him. He did it again and Kyo bucked hard.

"You like that," Kaoru breathed out against his shoulder. "Are you my pain slut then?" he intoned, driving himself harder into Kyo's ass in response to the idea of it.

"Yes," Kyo choked out, jerking his own hips and moaning when it created more pain for him.

Kaoru squeezed harder, though not by much and Kyo keened into the pillow, his ass clenching down hard around Kaoru's prick. It was almost painfully tight and Kaoru moaned, plunging in twice more before stilling and starting to empty himself into the latex between them. Kyo whined a few seconds later and Kaoru quickly resumed jacking him off, feeling him tighten up again. A choked sound left his partner and then Kyo's cock was twitching in his hand.

Shifting himself slightly, Kaoru watched as Kyo unloaded all over the bedspread, Kaoru still slowly stroking him all the way through it. "Ah yeah," Kaoru breathed out, wiping the head of Kyo's cock with his fingertip and wiping it onto the comforter as well. He pulled out of his ass, discarding the condom over the side of the bed, and rolling Kyo over, sliding his body down over the other, one thigh between Kyo's own.

Their lips met, their hands exploring as their hips moved, despite having just spent themselves. For the next few minutes, Kaoru gave his full attention to finding everything he'd ever wanted to touch on Kyo's body and giving it a complete amount of consideration. Kyo returned everything, touch for touch until they were simply laying there, their hips slowly grinding as they caught their breath. 

Kaoru stilled rather abruptly, his breath hitching and a then a small surprised sound freeing itself as he spurted a small amount of cum out over Kyo's hip. He gazed down at it in slight shock and Kyo chuckled, reaching up to frame Kaoru's face with his hands, gazing up at him with a smile on his face. "You're more than welcome to cum all over me whenever you want to."

They studied one another for a moment and then Kaoru eased himself down next to him, using the edge of the sheets to wipe away his leavings. They lay there, a tangle of limbs, sweat cooling in the night air, and Kaoru found himself more relaxed than he had in a long, long time. 

He knew they'd have to talk with one another and sort things out a bit more in the daylight, but for right then... he felt like he'd found exactly what he needed and he could only hope Kyo had as well.

**To be continued...**


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song[s]: Various by Ruiza, Nightmare, Zella Day

Kaoru breathed out a quiet sigh as he finally put Noa down for her nap. Today both kids had been a handful, but of the best variety. A trip to the store had been followed by two kids he may or may not have spoiled with snacks they shouldn't have had rushing around the house in a way that Kyo had described as demon spawn. Of course it had been delivered jokingly and Kaoru had only rolled his eyes at the vocalist rather than chastising him about it. 

The past three weeks had seen Kaoru's mood growing much less bitter and far more like his former self. Kyo had been hanging around his place a bit more whenever Hana was gone and the kids had started to call him Uncle, something Kyo seemed to only encourage by being his usual self. 

At first, Kaoru hadn't been overly sure of how Kyo would be with the kids. But after the first few days, he began to catch the subtle things Kyo did to make all of their lives easier. He picked up behind the kids when Kaoru had his back turned and provided gentle direction to them when Kaoru had to focus on doing something like making their lunch or dinner. And he never found them doing crazy things whenever he had to go and use the restroom. Over the weeks, it progressed to Kyo actively taking part in their lives; reading them stories or listening to their not-so-regaling tales of things they only had half the words to relay. And he'd even bring them little things at times, a new puzzle for Masaki and a glittery pen set for Noa; things it was clear he couldn't have just had laying around somewhere.

Now, having put his daughter in her bed, Kaoru exited the room, closing the door with a quiet click and went back for Masaki. Instead, he found Kyo all alone in the kitchen, quietly thumbing through a magazine. He eased himself into the chair opposite him and murmured, "Where'd he go?"

"Go nothing..." Kyo smiled a little, glancing up briefly. "I got him to lay down for a nap. Not sure he'll sleep, but he's there at least."

Kaoru leaned on the table, studying Kyo across the sun-filled kitchen. Finally, he reached to lightly place his hand on top of Kyo's own, causing the vocalist to look back up at him again. "You're really good with them..."

"If I wasn't, there wouldn't be much point in me sticking around, would there?" Kyo turned his hand over under Kaoru's. "They're a huge part of your life and, to be blunt, the only reason you're here still, right?" When Kaoru nodded, Kyo squeezed his hand. "We never talked about it, but I think now is as good a time as any..." he cleared his throat, "this isn't just a sex thing, is it?"

Kaoru shook his head the smallest amount. "No. I don't think it could have ever been."

Kyo let out a small sound of affirmation. "I figured as much long before we got this far. You've never really been one for a simple fuck and, really, even though I have been, it's not my favorite game to play."

They sat in silence for a moment before Kaoru broached the subject. "You know I can't leave her or the kids will go with her..." He gave Kyo a pained look that clearly expressed everything other thought that slammed around the insides of his mind.

"I know. I've known that from the start." Kyo reached to pat his hand and then pulled both of his own back to his own area of the table. "Look, Kao... I know you can't give everything of yourself to me and like hell I'm asking you to. That's not how I roll. I want my own time, my own place, my own personal bubble. I've never been good at being right in the same space as someone day in and day out, you know? I tend to get grouchy really quick when that happens. You've seen me in the bus... that's not limited to a load of people. It happens even with one." He sat back and folded his arms across his chest. "Really, this is ideal for me. You have your own little world over here that I'm invited into and I have mine that you're more than welcome into as well. Neither of us have time to focus only on each other and that's a good thing for me. Just... if you decide to start getting back in bed with her at some point, let me know." When Kaoru opened his mouth to protest, Kyo held up his hand to silence him. "I'm not saying you want to or that you ever will. But if it happens - which you're married to the woman, so let's face it, it's a real possibility somewhere - then just tell me it has or will. I don't want to be lied to any more than you wanted to be. So we're up front, as long as you're willing to be honest with me, I'm willing to accept that, too... as long as you don't push me away because of it."

Kaoru supplied Kyo with the most horrified look and then flopped back in his chair, stunned. "Dude... I don't want my dick anywhere near her. I've already spent six years of my life fucking second-dipping after some guy I don't even know. There is no way in hell I'm going back to that."

Kyo made a face. "Eloquent words there."

"It's true and it's disgusting." Kaoru sighed and shook his head. "No. I sleep with one person, period. There's no ifs, ands, or buts involved in that. I've been burned once with her, twice would be just stupid. We're together for the kids and that's that."

Kyo regarded the table in front of him and nodded, his body supplying the message that he was comfortable with that even with the strange way he showed it, the message was clear enough for Kaoru. 

"Here's my end of this then..." Kaoru gave a second to see if Kyo wanted to say anything else and then continued, "I need nights you're willing to stay or that I can stay over there. I'm done with sleepless nights and this listless feeling of not belonging. You've given me so much in that regard and I want to keep it." He leaned forward and reached his hand out, Kyo taking one of his own and placing it within Kaoru's own, their eyes meeting. "I'm not saying I'm there, but if it gets to that point, I ask that you accept my affection in all its forms... and don't feel that you have to mirror it in any way. I know we think completely differently about such things and I'm good with that. Just... don't push me away."

Kyo shifted forward in his chair, reaching to hold Kaoru's shoulder as he brought their lips together. The kiss was gentle and utterly emotional, nothing about it sexual at all. When they parted, it was only by a fraction, and Kyo breathed out, "It's already there, Kaoru... it was there before that night."

"Papa... is Uncle staying?"

Kaoru gave Kyo an alarmed look, breathing out, "Oh shit," nearly so quiet Kyo missed it as he drew himself back and peered around Kyo at Masaki. His son stood there, rubbing his eyes and looking a little rumpled from his nap, just peering at them curiously.

Settling back, Kaoru held out his arms and murmured, "C'mere, sleepyhead..." Once he had him in his lap, one arm secured around him, he continued. "Aren't you supposed to be napping?"

"Yeah, but Uncle K said I could get up if I couldn't sleep."

Kaoru glanced past his son to Kyo, who merely looked amused and raised one shoulder in response. "I see." Kaoru reached to push his son's hair back into the right places, fussing with it for a moment and then letting it be. He studied Kyo for a minute before he finally gave in with a quiet sigh. "Uncle Kyo will not be staying here. But he will be around as much as he has been."

Masaki looked owlishly between them. "You kissed him like the lady on the show kissed the guy."

Kaoru gave him a startled look and Kyo started to laugh. "Yeah, kid... just like Ariel and Prince Eric." 

Relaxing a little, Kaoru looked back down at his son, who astutely pointed out, "You and Mom don't do that no more."

Kaoru nodded a little and gave Masaki a sad smile. "Yeah... we don't." Hoping like hell he wasn't doing the wrong thing, he continued, "Your Mom and I have our own Prince Eric's now."

Masaki turned to gaze at Kyo and then shook his head. "No."

"No?" Kaoru asked a bit incredulously, but willing to hear the kid out.

He pointed at Kyo's hair with one tiny hand. "Not like his."

Kyo huffed out a laugh and leaned in, reaching to take Masaki's hand. "Hey... I can be Prince Eric if I want to be." He lightly swiped his free finger over the kid's nose and grinned at him when he sputtered at him. 

Kyo and Kaoru's eyes locked over the top of Masaki's head and in that instant, Kaoru made his decision. He wasn't going to hide Kyo from anyone, least of all from his children, who seemed to be perfectly willing to accept his presence in their lives. Leaning forward again, he lightly caught Kyo's lips for a second, parting to find his son staring up at them.

"Eww..."

Kyo started to laugh, reaching to lightly rub the kid's hair. "You said that about Ariel and Eric, too!"

Kaoru breathed out a sigh of relief, joining in the laughter a moment later, feeling freer than he had in a good long time.

**To be Continued**


	8. Chapter 8

Smoke curled upwards from Kaoru's cigarette as he shifted to lean more heavily against the railing of his porch. Inside, he could hear Noa singing as she packed the 'important' pieces of her overnight bag. She was going with her mother to spend the night at some hotel in the next city. Or so Hana said. Kaoru didn't believe it for a moment. Since it was only his daughter and not his son as well, he could only assume she was off to see her bio dad for the night. And, honestly, he didn't argue because he wasn't going to keep her from him. She'd only resent him later if he did such a thing and it was hardly fair.

He'd already packed his son up and dropped him earlier in the morning at his parent's house, telling them Noa and Hana had a girl's sleepover planned out of the house and he wanted to be fair and let Masaki go somewhere, too. They'd been thrilled to get their grandson for a day and Kaoru had found himself a little pleased he'd get a day and night to spend with just Kyo.

With Hana hanging around a lot there hadn't been many opportunities for them to get together for the past month or so and he was antsy to spend more quality time with the other that didn't involve attempting to wrangle his children or other band members. Plus, the day Hana and Noa came back, they were due to hit the road again, though only a domestic tour, but still enough to not be going home each night. 

Putting out the cigarette butt, he tossed it in the little can by the door and slid open the door, immediately getting tackled by Noa. "Papa!" He leaned down and scooped her up, letting her get a good double-fistful of his hair and smiling softly at her. "I hope my girl has fun!" She squirmed and he leaned in to nuzzle her nose, transferring her weight to his hip. "Okay. Did you get Mr. Fluff?"

Nodding, Noa leaned her head on his shoulder and yawned. "And Crow and Pingin," she offered. 

Kaoru chuckled at her name for a penguin stuffed animal she liked to drag along with her. "What about blanket, did you get her?"

"Yes!" 

"Good, good..." he settled her on the arm of the couch and straightened her socks, retying one shoe, and then giving her a kiss on the forehead. "I'll miss you, kiddo."

"I love you, papa!"

Kaoru's heart melted - just as it did every time she did this - and he gave her a big sloppy kiss on the cheek, making her squeal, before he whispered, "You are my life." He'd spent most of his years with kids telling them that as his response to the more modern words they used with him, and they'd always known it meant he loved them back. Kids didn't have misconceptions and he liked that. Placing her down on her feet, he steered her toward the right direction and made sure she grabbed her rolling bag and backpack.

Hana was waiting at the door and Kaoru just leaned against the wall, watching Noa get her raincoat and then stuff it in her backpack. 

"You'll check on Masaki?" She questioned him, giving him a slightly annoyed look. "Since you shipped him off."

Kaoru sighed. "I wanted to be fair and give him a chance to go somewhere, too. And yes, of course I'm going to check in with my parent's about him."

"You could have spent some time with your son."

Kaoru's fingers tightened a bit against his side and he met her eyes, holding them steadily. "I spend a lot of time with my children, _both_ of them. I'm always here when you're away, just like I assume you are when I'm away." He gave her a very forced smile. "We even went to the aquarium last week and they came to the studio, too."

Hana looked away and Kaoru gave his daughter another hug when she came to give him one, her little arms encircling his leg and clinging for a moment. He ruffled her hair and then patted it back into place. "Bring me back one of those drawings, hmm?" She nodded and he smiled. "I'll take that as a promise. Have a good trip, okay?"

She disengaged herself and rushed for the door, grabbing her rolling suitcase again. 

\---------------------

Two hours later, Kaoru sat in Kyo's living room, cushioned in the pillowy warmth of the vocalist's sofa. He could still remember when Kyo told them all he'd gotten a new couch and how they'd just nodded and glossed it over. But now that he was here, absorbed in the warmth of it, all the suede curves of it hugging against him, he could fully understand all of the boasting. Somehow... it bothered him that he hadn't been here before; that he'd never seen the inside of Kyo's home in this sort of stark light. The doorway at three in the morning when he'd dropped him off, the quickest glimpse of the foyer when he had come to pick him up at seven one morning on their way out of town. But never like this, in all the intimate details... and especially not with the vocalist curled up against his side in such an intimate manner.

The show they'd been watching ended and Kyo flicked off the TV, tossing the remote onto the stack of magazines on the round, glass table in front of them. Standing up, he regarded Kaoru, the pair locking eyes before he turned and began to make his way down the hallway.

Kaoru stood up, his heart flip-flopping as he followed after him, wetting his lips. As Kyo stepped into the bedroom, flicking on the light switch, which turned on a dozen or so tiny lights around the room, Kaoru felt a distinct surge of arousal. He had no proof that was why Kyo was heading back here, none in the least. But everything in him screamed to find out.

They'd had sex a few times since their first night together, but it had all been rather hurried. Just quickies in the bathroom while Kaoru pretended to be showering or the world's fastest handjob in one of the stalls at work. None of it was to the same caliber as the first night they'd been together and all of it had been built just to satisfy urges rather than to actually, steadily, address their needs. And it was that part that Kaoru yearned for; the thing that he wanted to share the most with Kyo. Some part of him wanted to know the deepest pits of Kyo's world and to show him his own.

For years he'd thought for certain he could see that flame deep inside of Kyo, the one that sparked alive in the midst of a show and burned bright until Kyo slammed the door behind himself on the bus, requesting five minutes privacy so he could cool off. And now that he knew the vocalist on a far more intimate level, he knew it was there... only that he had to reach out and share it with his own. He wanted to show Kyo that he could rival him for all that he was worth, that for every perversion and deviancy, Kaoru had one of his own.

But it also wasn't an easy bridge to cross. It took careful conversation not to delve too deeply or say the wrong thing. And it took years of practice to hide away the pieces no one wanted to be a part of. That thought spurred Kaoru forward, though. If anyone on this planet was to understand his darkest pieces, it would be Kyo. Just as his wife had been the most predictably vanilla person in the world, he was positive Kyo was directly the opposite. 

Kaoru snapped out of his reverie as Kyo cleared his throat. Glancing up, he found the vocalist standing next to his bed, his arms loosely crossed and the plain white v-neck he'd chosen to wear pulling tight across his biceps. Kaoru stared openly for a moment, not bothering to hide how much he'd always enjoyed that shirt on Kyo, and then looked back up, meeting his eyes. "Was a little lost in my thoughts..."

"Noticed." Kyo half closed his eyes and then hummed. "I asked what you were thinking about."

"My devious plan to screw you into next week." Kaoru let a smirk slide over his lips, watching the way Kyo's eyebrow arched and then chuckling. "Actually, I was thinking how it might be wise to discuss a few things... up front. See where our boundaries lie."

If anything, Kyo looked relieved. He dropped his arms and pulled himself onto the bed, gesturing to the closet across from him, the door firmly closed. "If you want to take a walk through mine, it's quite literally in the closet." He flashed a grin at his horrible joke.

Kaoru snorted, reaching for the handle and then opening it. He grabbed the string of the light and pulled, illuminating the small closet in pale yellow light. A few outfits were crammed into the left side and the shelves all held rather nondescript colored boxes, each labeled with a number, though none were in order. The floor of the close held a few coils of silken rope that Kaoru focused on very quickly, his breath hitching. 

Kneeling down, he picked up the dark green rope and slid his fingers over it, caressing it lightly before breathing out, "Looks like we share one right off the bat, then." When he glanced back, Kyo was laying on his side on the bed, watching him intently, a small smile on his lips. "Have you ever been tied up or just done the rope work yourself?"

Kyo stretched, the whole work of it seeming calculated to Kaoru as he moved. "Both. Though, I admit, in the right hands, I prefer to be the one rendered... shall we say... _helpless_." 

Their eyes met and for a moment, Kaoru could barely breathe. He released a slight breath and then pulled the rope out, setting it on the floor between them. "There are things you'd never suspect hidden inside me..."

The smallest of chuckles left Kyo. "Oh, Kaoru... for harboring all of these deep, dark things inside of you, you're so naïve. I know you better than you know yourself."

Kaoru remained crouched by the closet, his head bowing for a moment as he regarded the rope and considered his options. Finally, he offered, "Then tell me all about myself if you think you're so intuitive."

Kyo's voice was but a quiet rumble when he spoke again. "Domination... sadism, to a degree. I'd say if given a chance, you'd do any number of things to me and each one would get you off harder than the last. I know you have one particularly deep secret that you'd never tell me if I didn't already know it, something you're ashamed to admit."

Kaoru's head jerked up, his gaze snapping to Kyo's own and holding it. His heart slammed in his chest. There was no way Kyo could know what he was fishing around at. He was just pushing, using social engineering to see if Kaoru would lead him to the answer. It wouldn't be the first time he'd caught him doing such a thing, after all. 

"You think I'm playing you. Maybe I am... maybe I'm not." Kyo rolled over onto his back and spread himself out on the bed. "If you _tell_ me to spill it, I will."

For a half second, Kaoru debated not even playing Kyo's game. But then his eyes found the rope in front of him again and the wicked surge of arousal slammed through him again. No... he was going to play and he damn well knew it. He picked up the rope and stood, coming to loom over the side of the bed, winding the rope slowly around his hand as he gazed down at the unwinding coil on the floor. "It'd be such a shame if I had to put this away, don't you think?"

"You wouldn't _dare_ ," Kyo hissed back out, though Kaoru could hear the smirk on his lips.

"I've told you before that you have no idea what you've gotten yourself into." He paused, letting his fingers slide over the length of rope dangling from his hand. "You have a choice... it's fairly simple. Tell me precisely what you think you know, without any play to get to it... and you'll get what _you_ want. Deny me the answer to my question and we just won't play any of the games your heart so desires." He finally turned his head to pin Kyo with his gaze, the pair of them staring heatedly at one another.

Kyo wet his lips and then rolled over, pulling himself off the bed. "How about I _show_ you what it is that your perverse little heart desires?" 

There was a sway in Kyo's hips that Kaoru didn't miss in the least. He followed him curiously toward the bathroom, carefully schooling his face so that he'd not give anything away. He leaned on the doorjamb, his arms crossed lightly as he watched Kyo pause in front of the sink, slowly stripping off his shirt and discarding it into the sink. Next went his belt and then his jeans were slipped off. Their eyes met in the mirror for a moment before Kyo smirked and bent over, giving Kaoru a beautiful view of his ass as he slid his boxer briefs down and stepped out of them, adding them to the sink a moment later. 

Standing there for a moment, Kyo slid his arms up over his head and grasped his opposite elbows, slowly stretching his body out, giving Kaoru all the view he wanted to take in, what wasn't shown directly to his field of vision displayed in the two mirrors in the room. 

Kaoru watched the display with an outward calm that he definitely wasn't feeling inside. Deep within him, he wanted to throw all caution to the wind and shove Kyo against the counter and show him just how he was affecting him. But, instead, the only thing that gave him away was the growing bulge in his pants.

Kyo turned and took the three steps to the toilet, slowly reaching to put one hand on the wall and lean forward, his other hand stroking at his length until he was semi-hard, just a gentle pull of his foreskin over the head a few times before he slid it back and then began to relieve himself with a quiet groan. 

Kaoru had to force himself to try to keep his calm. The obvious show Kyo was putting on meant he knew... though how, was a whole other ballgame, one Kaoru didn't dare guess on. He let himself watch though, knowing he'd regret it if he didn't. Kyo's subtle push of his hips forward, he way his semi-hard dick obviously made it a bit more difficult for the stream. And finally, down to the very drops of piss slowly plopping down from under the head of his cock as the steady stream left him. 

It tapered off and Kyo slid his finger under to catch the last drop, lifting it to his lips and sucking the digit into his mouth. He stepped back and smirked at Kaoru as he let his hand drop to his side. "I have your every number. And if you think about it... you have all of mine without me having to show them to you. All these years, Kaoru... neither of us are blind. I've known about this one for nearly a decade as I'm sure you've known one of mine for equally as long." He made his way to Kaoru's side and let his hand rest on his bicep, lightly squeezing. "I don't hold many boundaries and I'll try nearly anything you can dream up at least once. Don't ever fear how I'll react to your every whim, because the answer is that I'll bow to it the moment you ask it of me... and I'll bend to it with a smile on my face and joy in my soul. If the aim is to complete one another, then this is a larger piece of it than most relationships ever take into account." He slipped past Kaoru and headed right for the bed, his last words quiet as he tossed them over his shoulder. "I don't intend to hide anything and I'd hope you wouldn't either. There is no shame here."

Kaoru pondered those words for a few minutes, taking in a deep breath and then steadily letting it flow past his lips as he turned to head after Kyo. He swallowed as he studied Kyo's form stretched out on the bed, looking more comfortable in his own skin than any person Kaoru had ever laid eyes upon in his life. Ditching his own clothing, he eased himself onto the edge of the bed and studied the rope beside him, his arousal quickly growing. Letting out a soft chuckle, he shook his head. "I have no idea how the hell you knew, but I'm sure that means I slipped up somewhere, sometime. And you have no idea how much I appreciate the fact that I don't have to either hide it or tell you... or that you never confronted me about it back then."

"I'm not a dick..." Kyo's foot lightly pushed against Kaoru's thigh. "Confronting you would have made you clam up and there was no point to that. So I found something out, big whoop. I only told you now because I knew you'd try to keep it to yourself and bar a piece of yourself from me because of it. I don't care for secrets without reason. And a fetish is nothing with a reason to hide." Kyo stretched out and grunted as his back popped. "So... to be fair here. I'm into really hardcore shit. I want to be fucked like I'm being forced. I want to have my face shoved into the bed and my body utterly used. I want your hand on my throat, making me pray for my next breath to every God, even the ones I don't believe in. I want you to find yourself so lost in me you don't think you have any idea what direction is up. I want your emotion, your anger, your pain, your love, your hatred, your darkness, and your light. I want it all."

The last words left Kaoru's heart hammering in his chest and he pushed himself up, grasping the ropes and breathing out, "Safe word. Now."

"Insect," Kyo responded easily, rolling over to stare up a Kaoru, waiting patiently.

Kaoru backed up a few steps and looked between Kyo and the floor at his feet, giving a few degree inclination of his head as his command.

"Oh no, _darling_ , you're gonna have to be a hell of a lot more forceful than that with me. I'm not going to _submit_ without a reason. Don't fucking _ask_." Kyo pushed himself up and marched right up to Kaoru, his hand shooting out and grabbing a fistful of hair, yanking it hard back, his lips coming to press against the taller's ear. " _Make_ me or don't fucking bother at all."

Kaoru let out a half-snarl, his hand snatching Kyo's from his hair and wrenching it back as he turned a harsh glower on him. In two more swift movements, he had Kyo on his knees and his hand on the back of his head, shoving it down, one hand still on his arm, pulling it backwards. The rope lay on the floor, fallen between them, and he ignored it for the moment. "Get on the goddamned floor, then."

Kyo started to laugh, the sound not even remotely humorous. It was the dark maniacal laughter that Kaoru had heard bubble up on stage from Kyo a thousand times and not in his wildest dreams had he expected to hear it in this context. For a few moments, it was nothing short of disconcerting. Disturbing on a level he couldn't quite meander past.

But he did, just holding Kyo's head down even when he tried to lift it, letting out another snarl when he tried to struggle away, holding him perfectly in place even with the yanking. Finally, Kyo gave up, sagging, his laughter having died out, replaced by heavy breathing, nearly panting. "Pick up the rope." His voice held a warning in it, one he didn't feel the need to expand upon just yet.

Kyo reached down with his free hand, plucking it up and holding it behind himself toward Kaoru. 

Kaoru released the back of his neck and took the rope, finally letting go of Kyo's arm and stepping back to assess the situation. "Stay the fuck down." He watched as Kyo moved his arm down, but remained where he was, a smirk working onto his lips as he watched him. Now that was more like what he was looking for behavior-wise during a time like this.

Kneeling behind Kyo, he carefully took his arms and positioned them at his sides, starting to wrap the rope around one bicep. Every few seconds, he moved to wrap or slide the rope over another piece of Kyo's body as he moved it into the design he wanted. As he worked - and well before he actually had Kyo tied down in any sort of way, only a design starting down his arm for now - he quietly asked, "Boundaries?"

Kyo shook his head a little. "No."

That gave Kaoru pause. "None at all?" That earned him another shake of Kyo's head and Kaoru grunted a little, murmuring, "Okay then," as he started to wind the rope around the other's torso and connect it over to the other arm as well. It wasn't the longest length he'd ever dealt with and the years of no practice made his fingers less sure than he'd have liked, but some things at least flowed back to him as he worked. Maybe it wouldn't be as intricate or attractive as he'd like, but it would surely be functional and get the point across that the other was under his control for the time being.

Leaning in, Kaoru pressed his nose against Kyo's neck, groaning softly after a good inhalation of the other's scent. The lightest twinge of sweat, the incense Kyo had been working on creating, and the lingering scent of Kaoru's own cigarette smoke. He slid his tongue over the other's skin, the faint hint of salt touching his tongue. A moment later, he pressed his mouth over it, sucking faintly, earning a pleased sigh from Kyo. Still, his hands danced over the other's skin, sliding the rope in place, twisting, pulling, and forming a pattern blindly now. 

His body grew more and more excited by the prospect of what he was doing to him. Slowly, he added his teeth to the mix, pressing them against Kyo's jugular and pressing, his cock straining between his legs as he increased the pressure. He could hear the rasp of Kyo's breath increasing, the rise and fall of his chest pulling at the ropes that now criss-crossed him, the ends still taunt in Kaoru's hands. He slid the last pieces of rope up and crossed them over Kyo's throat, careful where he placed it and how, the pressure less on his trachea and more on his artery.

Shifting closer to him, he spread his thighs and pressed his cock against the small of Kyo's back, sliding the slick tip against him as he began to pull, just enough to get the effect he wanted without damage. Kyo swooned against him and Kaoru's gaze slid down his body, finding his lover's cock fully erected, the tip nearly purple with his desire. As he pulled, Kyo's cock strained away from his body, his arousal clearly growing.

He shuddered and then licked up his neck, starting to actually thrust his hips. He pulled the ropes down and slid the ends under the top knots on Kyo's back, looping them under and letting them go. It eased some of the pressure, but kept just enough it would leave Kyo faintly dizzy, something the other seemed to want given the reactions Kaoru was earning from him.  
He slid his hands over his sides and then grasped his hips, fingers pressing harshly. "Bend over," he commanded, his voice near a growl as he commanded him. 

Kyo was fast to obey, leaning forward and managing to hold himself there through core strength alone, something Kaoru found quite impressive. He pushed Kyo's legs apart and pushed his cock between Kyo's asscheeks, slowly starting to rock his hips, watching as he slid along his crack, groaning as the head of his prick pressed against the warmth of Kyo's balls with each rock forward. 

Tilting his hips faster, Kaoru watched what he was doing, slipping his thumbs up under two of the loops of rope, using them to help pull Kyo back toward himself as he rocked forward. He listened to Kyo's breathing increase, though he gave no other outward signs of what this was doing to him. Kaoru leaned over him, forcing Kyo to hold some of his own weight with his strength alone, no arms to support him in any way for the effort. He could hear his breath coming in pants now and nearly _feel_ the wildness he was sure was written across Kyo's face. It was just what he'd imagined he'd do to him, the way he'd stroked himself at night imagining the harsh breath, the ready-to-spill cock, and the strength of his lover's body being the only thing holding him to his word and will.

With little warning, Kaoru pushed forward and began to empty himself against the back of Kyo's sac, forceful spurts of his cum spraying onto his body. He let out a moan as he finished, just remaining pressed against him, hips tight against Kyo's rump. He gave it a steady count of twenty and then groaned loudly as he let out a trickle of urine against the backside of his balls. It felt like a million things; relief and pleasure, fear and aching calm. It was as though he were being caressed by the very array of emotions he'd watched Kyo shower upon his adoring crowd night after night just from a simple act. 

His cock strained and he let out a little more, listening to the soft patter of it as it rained down onto the carpet between Kyo's legs. It was that that set him off, forcing him to be unable to stop. His stream thickened and came out faster. As he pissed so forcefully against Kyo's balls, he grabbed his hips hard enough to bruise and began to rut against him, gasping for his own air as his bladder emptied between his lover's legs. 

The moment he was done, he choked out a moan, an orgasm of a whole other sort rocking his world, making him lightheaded and shaky. He began to tremble as he hunched over Kyo's, pupils blown in absolute bliss. He was sure he hadn't cum again, but the orgasm had been there nonetheless. 

As he rested there, forcing Kyo to take more weight than he had been, Kyo began to laugh. It bubbled up from deep inside, rising and then falling in a maniacle way that told Kaoru everything he needed to. Kyo began to shake and then abruptly shoved his hips forward, nearly screaming as he strained hard against his bindings.

Kaoru slid his hand around, reaching to slide one finger up the back of Kyo's shaft and then holding his hand cupped under his prick as cum began to squirt over his fingers. "That's right... give everything to me, empty yourself." He pressed a kiss to his heated skin, smirking as Kyo bucked a few more times.

"Kaoru," Kyo croaked out as he started to fall forward, his body finally giving out on the weight he'd been burdened with. 

Kaoru slid his arms around him at the last second, catching them both and easing them to the side of the drenched area he'd created with his debauchery. He cradled Kyo in his arms for a minute before he reached up to release the ones pressing against his neck, feeling Kyo's breath start to ease within seconds. "You're okay," he murmured softly. "I've got you."  
Kaoru reached to start to untwine the ropes but Kyo whimpered softly, giving him pause. "What is it?"

"Leave them... please." Kyo's voice was fragile, closer to broken than he'd heard him, even on the worst nights on stage, and Kaoru's heart beat faster and he murmured, "Okay... I will... tell me what you need."

"This," Kyo managed, a shudder going through him as he pressed back against Kaoru more fully.

Kaoru wrapped him tight in his arms and just held on, pressing his face against Kyo's neck and closing his eyes. He held tight on him for all he was worth, trying to give him security and strength, and just hoping he was doing everything right for him.

Nearly twenty minutes later, he finally felt Kyo's body relax. It was all at once, as if the other just went completely limp in his arms. Kyo's sigh followed and then the quiet words, "I'm okay now. Untie me, please."

Instantly, Kaoru moved to start unfastening the ropes, releasing Kyo of them in a matter of seconds, the pattern easier to undo than to create. Tossing the ropes away, he began to lightly rub his arms and torso, making sure everything was okay and attended to. He pressed a soft kiss to Kyo's shoulder. "Is there anything else I can do for you?"

Kyo shook his head, letting out a soft laugh. "No... no. You've already done it."

"Then I would like one thing, if I may," Kaoru quietly requested.

"Anything."

Gently turning Kyo's head, two fingers under his chin, he pressed his lips solidly against Kyo's own, easing them into a steady kiss. His heart swelled and even with his lips pressed against Kyo's own, he began to smile.


End file.
